Volunteer ~ "Kelly" ~ EA Personal In-depth Chart and Transit Analysis

[Linda]

Kelly's Chart

[Linda]

. . . it has been always good time to study when mercury go retrograde, easier for me to focus and attract all kinds of information i need, i wonder if it's because mercury is retrograde in my progression chart, i feel more like a mercury retrograde person?

Hello Kelly,

Thanks for your feedback.

In answer to your above question:  yes, you are feeling the retrograde archetype because not only is your Progressed Mercury now Retrograde, but transiting Mercury is Retrograde too.

Let's examine your Mercury archetype!   

-  Your North Node Taurus is in the 3rd house.

-  Your Pluto Polarity Point Taurus is in the 3rd house.

-  Due to the Jupiter skipped steps, you have done your 3rd house before, but it is not fully developed.

-  Uranus is currently transiting your 3rd house and will do so for many years.

-  The South Node of Chiron Aries is in the 3rd house.

-  Your Chiron Gemini 5th is Retrograde (meaning a re-do situation in order to heal the wound of self-expression via communication).

-  The North Nodes of Mars and Uranus in Gemini are conjunct Chiron Rx in the 5th house, a desire to express your individuation, create a "new" you, and bring healing to your communications.

-  You have just one planet that is retrograde in the chart:  Chiron Gemini 5th Rx.

-  Your Mercury makes only one major aspect to another planet - a conjunction to Saturn.  Mercury is not an "unaspected planet" (operating in a Uranian-like way) because Saturn is "conditioning" it.

-  Ruler of your Mercury is Pluto Scorpio 9th. 

-  Sedna conjunct North Node in the 3rd house means that communication has been "frozen" for a long time (perhaps being mute in a past life).

-  The 3rd house is ruled by Mars Libra 8th - you desire to share, compare and communicate your thoughts and ideas with others who symbolize the knowledge that you seek.  In the past you have felt the powerlessness associated with the 8th house and so have desired to merge with others who are more powerful in order to evolve your intellectual structures.  These can be knowledgeable people, a philosophy, or a body of work, eg EA.

-  Transiting Mercury is currently at 16 deg Aquarius Rx transiting your 1st house:  a new evolutionary cycle bringing new experiences on the heels of revisiting/revising/re-doing, de-conditioning and individuating your natal Mercury via this retrograde cycle.

-  Current Mercury Retrograde 21 Jan to 11 Feb @ 17 Aqu 05 to 1 Aqu 18 – communication issues, reflection on the past, taking an objective stance, dispassionate observation, detachment, de-conditioning, liberation, shock, trauma, questionings, false assumptions, taking shortcuts, re-checking important details, re-evaluations, processing, past-life memories, repeating messages, insights.

-  Transiting Mercury in its current retrograde cycle will conjunct your natal Jupiter in the 1st house.  Jupiter is your skipped step planet!  You will have another opportunity to "resolve" this skipped step - something was skipped, missed, or not understood in the past - by consistently focusing upon the South Node Scorpio 9th (conjunct the MC).  We have all fallen away from Natural Laws due to the distortions of the Patriarchy.  You are recovering your Jupiter skipped step by sharing, merging and osmosing yourself deeply with people whom you are attracted to in an instinctual way, and aligning your Soul with a philosophical system that is based on Natural Laws. 

-  It's very interesting to note that every single Planetary Node in the Northern Hemisphere (bottom) of the chart is Retrograde, including Chiron and Sedna, emphasizing an introverted nature where you feel very different within yourself. 

Hemispheres of the Chart
Eastern (left):  Focus on self.
Western (right):  Focus on others.
Northern (bottom):  Impact of family.
Southern (top):  Influence of outer conditions.

Natally, your Southern Hemisphere being more emphasized than the others correlates to society, the father, authority figures, career and your contribution to society.  Perhaps you felt burdened at an early age to grow up quickly, with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Although you were born with Mercury Direct, your Progressed Mercury Jupiter 10th (conjunct the MC) is now Retrograde. 

Kelly's Progressed Chart @ 25 January 2015

-  It's interesting to note that three bodies are Retrograde in your Progressed chart:

   (1)  Mercury Sagittarius 10th Rx.       (2)  Chiron Gemini 4th Rx.      (3)  Pallas Cancer 5th Rx.

-  The kite pattern, coming from Gemini on the IC, is pointing to Uranus, a very dynamic outlet for the energies of the chart.  The Progressed chart provides opportunities for Uranian individuation and Mercurial self-expression on the MC.

-  The yod with Moon at the apex (and Neptune/Natural Lilith and Pluto) correlates to crisis with a need for adjustment (pointing to Natural Laws).


Retrograde archetype, and progressions

Retrograde is always the R words – redo, renew, review. A person could be born before Mars turns retrograde and it would be direct in natal and go retrograde by progression during their life. Or they could be born with Mars retrograde and Mars goes direct by progression during their life. Or they could be born with Mars retrograde by progression for the entire life. These are going to be distinct conditions for that Soul. Some of it undoubtedly relates to where that Soul was prior to the present life. (Steve)


Retrograde planet at birth, by progression or transit

The intent of the retrograde as an archetype is to re-live, re-do, repeat. And the intention within that, the reason for that, is to INDIVIDUATE. Any retrograde planet either by birth, or going retrograde in the context of a lifetime, is not only to repeat, re-live, and re-do, which can have many reasons, but one of the core reasons is to individuate. It accelerates the evolutionary process of individuation. Thus the Soul desires to withdraw from ANY external circumstance or condition that is attempting to define, through expectations, how the archetype of the planet that is retrograde, at birth, progression, or transit, how that archetype (planet) is 'meant' to be actualized or lived out. And that is because the Soul is desiring to individuate its function which, in turn, allows for an acceleration of the Soul's development because of the effort to individuate. In its own way it ignites a deep feeling in the Soul that says, 'not this, not that, so what is it?' (Rad)

Do you recommend any books on counseling techniques?

I will open up your question regarding astrological counseling techniques to my EA colleagues and others reading this thread.


Thank you!

Linda

[Linda]

Hello Kelly,


Astrological Counseling Techniques


Here are some resources:


(1)  Webinars by EA Astrologer, Mark Jones:  "The Presenting Issue"

The first of a 3-part webinar series based on his forthcoming book:  "The Soul Speaks:  The Therapeutic Potential of Astrology".

I attended this excellent webinar ... and recommend participating in the whole series (online webinar format).

https://www.astrologyuniversity.com/audio/browse-by-astrologer#


(2)  The Consulting Astrologer's Guidebook by Donna Cunningham

Chapters include:
-  Conducting effective chart readings
-  Counseling clients in crisis
-  Building your astrological practice


(3)   A suggestion received from a fellow astrologer:  to connect with other types of therapists so that you can refer people whom you feel might be in need of some form of therapy.


I will add to the list as more suggestions come to hand.


Thanks,

Linda  

[Linda]

Hello Kelly,


Any questions?


Skywalker and I thought that this would be a good time to answer some of your questions.


You can ask about:

-  any specific questions you may have regarding your natal chart

-  specific dynamics you have lived and need to make sense of

-  the need to understand the "why" of anything that one can try and see via EA

-  the current moment (transits)

Any questions that we cannot answer we will defer to other EA members and/or Rad.


Thank you,

Linda

[Kelly]

Hi Linda, thanks so much for clarifying mercury archetype in my chart! I'll share more feedback on weekends.

Hello Kelly,


Any questions?


Skywalker and I thought that this would be a good time to answer some of your questions.


You can ask about:

-  any specific questions you may have regarding your natal chart

-  specific dynamics you have lived and need to make sense of

-  the need to understand the "why" of anything that one can try and see via EA

-  the current moment (transits)

Any questions that we cannot answer we will defer to other EA members and/or Rad.


Thank you,

Linda

Questions:

I have very low energy, easily exhausted, need at least 8-10 hours sleep everyday, a little bit stress can cause insomnia. I have deep fear of endlessness, of eternity, even i have good times in my life, i am always threatened by the next bad/sad period, i experiences chronic desperation that even when i am happy i still hope i don't exsit, and knowing death is not the end, so i have to live, because i don't want to start over again... I think these feelings correlates to my skipped steps and neptune in 12th capricorn, i'd love to learn what's your deep insight about this, i want to truely feel the eager for life, to be grateful of life, and intuitively feel i will understand this in the future, just don't know how to get there. Also recent years i have been even more introverted, hide from people, from society, when i am surrounded by poeple, i can feel their energy andpressure, when i am in public places, i always hide in corner, i don't know where to stand, what to say, feel i don't belong anywhere, don't feel comfortable in my body, my physical body doesn't have a position in this world, only at home i can relax, and every night sleeping is my haven, i look forward to bedtime every day.....

The other questions is relationship with my family, my parents. I'm tortured by the thought of i'm very cold and indifference, i love my mom but i haven't been patient enough or doing enough for her, and i can't feel from my heart that i love my dad, i feel so guilty about this also very lonely deep in my heart.

Thanks so much for this incredible thread and learning experiences!

[Linda]

Hello Kelly,


Questions from Kelly


Thanks for your amazing questions coming straight from the Soul!

I'll be looking to answering some of them soon.  

I'd like to invite others who are reading to join in and help in answering your questions in earnest.


Thanks,

Linda

[Kelly]

In answer to your above question:  yes, you are feeling the retrograde archetype because not only is your Progressed Mercury now Retrograde, but transiting Mercury is Retrograde too.

My mind was very conditioned until i was in my 20s, especially when i realised most of the education in my country has been lies, i became very rebel against goverment, politicians, mainstream, i love to searching information, but get angery when being forced to receive data/information that i'm not interested in, i felt so exhausted/split when i was working in news network, for a long time, i can't stand tv/radio at all....

That's why i feel like a Mecury retrograde person, so i wonder if that's because that Mecury has been retrograde in my progression chart for a long time.

Your Mercury makes only one major aspect to another planet - a conjunction to Saturn.  Mercury is not an "unaspected planet" (operating in a Uranian-like way) because Saturn is "conditioning" it.

Mercury in scorpio conjunct saturn, i remember when i was in elementery school, i was chosen to reciting propaganda article at school, and host school party at traditional holiday, i was always doing my best, until at age of 10 or 11, every important holiday, i'll have sore throat, lost my voice compeletely, and i stopped performance or talk in front of people after that. Also as long as i can remember, i have been taught by parents, teachers think before talking, there would be intense humiliation if i say something stupid, later when i went to colleage, work, i realised so many people can talk "stupid" things without thinking, feeling bad, or any consequences, that really makes me angry.

Sedna conjunct North Node in the 3rd house means that communication has been "frozen" for a long time (perhaps being mute in a past life).

I definitely resonate with this, when i tried to express myself in childhood, always being suppressed, when i tried to explaining myself only caused more misunderstanding, and being punished, beaten by my parents mostly for talking back. I became really quiet with strangers, and sometimes i'd be so nervous and uncomfortable, have sore throat lose my voice or a little stammer when i'm forced to talk. Sometimes real life feels like sleep paralysis, being suppressed by invisible energy, trying so hard to make a sound!

The 3rd house is ruled by Mars Libra 8th - you desire to share, compare and communicate your thoughts and ideas with others who symbolize the knowledge that you seek.  In the past you have felt the powerlessness associated with the 8th house and so have desired to merge with others who are more powerful in order to evolve your intellectual structures.  These can be knowledgeable people, a philosophy, or a body of work, eg EA

That's so true, reading/learning/communication with people who symbolize the knowledge that i need, empowers me a lot.

It's very interesting to note that every single Planetary Node in the Northern Hemisphere (bottom) of the chart is Retrograde, including Chiron and Sedna, emphasizing an introverted nature where you feel very different within yourself. 

Wow, it is really intersting, i have been trying tonaturally show people that i am different, i am easily awkward, i don't fit in without hiding it or judging myself, also when people point this out i tried to not take it as judgement, just think oh yea, they get me

[Linda]

Hi Kelly,


Let's work through your chart together.  Today I'll address your first question.

Questions:
I have very low energy, easily exhausted, need at least 8-10 hours sleep everyday, a little bit stress can cause insomnia.  I have deep fear of endlessness, of eternity, even i have good times in my life, i am always threatened by the next bad/sad period, i experiences chronic desperation that even when i am happy i still hope i don't exist, and knowing death is not the end, so i have to live, because i don't want to start over again... I think these feelings correlates to my skipped steps and Neptune in 12th Capricorn, I'd love to learn what's your deep insight about this, i want to truly feel the eager for life, to be grateful of life, and intuitively feel i will understand this in the future, just don't know how to get there.  

Mars square Neptune


For low energy and exhaustion I would consider your Mars Libra 8th and its square to Neptune Capricorn 12th.


Mars 1 deg Libra 8th

-  Paradoxical pattern. JWG quote:  "The first thing to do is to understand why this paradoxical pattern has been determined by the Soul in the first place. In general when the chart is opposite, ie Libra ascendant, resulting house cusps all being in opposition to their natural placements [for you, Kelly, we are talking about Mars being in the sign Libra that is naturally opposite Aries], the individual must learn how to integrate and synthesize the oppositional nature of their own inner conflicts, ie Libra Ascendant has a primary desire to complete itself in relationship yet at the same time just as strong a desire for almost total freedom and independence. So the question becomes why is this from an evolutionary point of view? All too often such a signature means that in prior times, the most recent prior lives, the person had been fitting themselves into other people's reality, to live through them or others, to always give without a lot of receiving, to be so highly attuned to other people's needs that they lost sight of their own. So when that has been the case the meaning of the paradoxical symbols this time correlates to learning how to let others FIT THEIR REALITY versus the other way around."

-  Adrenaline, physiological correlation for Mars, is the 'fight or flight' hormone produced in response to stress (whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological). Adrenal fatigue is not relieved by sleep, and brings a general sense of unwellness, tiredness or 'grey' feelings.

-  Mars square Neptune, 8th/12th houses, affecting your sleep patterns.  
  Passive/aggressive, instincts/imagination, chasing dreams, obsessive impulses, dreamlike state,
  addiction to sexuality, desire for spiritualization, instinctive desires leading to disillusionment, confusion,
  exhaustion, last quarter square is a need to surrender into the Universal.
   

Neptune 1 deg Capricorn 12th

-  Physiological Correlation to Neptune:  Melatonin.
  Neptune also correlates with the phenomena of consciousness, the consciousness of the Soul.
  It correlates with sleep/being awake, dreams, visions, and hallucinations that occur within consciousness.
 
The Mars square Neptune aspect could describe your terrifying nightmares of being pursued by a violent force releasing long held or crystallized elements (Capricorn) of the unconscious (fear, terror, death) which could certainly lead to disturbed sleep patterns. South Node of Mars is sextile the South Nodes of Saturn and Pluto in the 12th house, releasing the Soul from the past patriarchal distorted reality. Evolution by way of the North Node of Mars Gemini 5th (conj Chiron and NN Uranus, mental wound/trauma) exactly inconjunct South Node of Mars 10th and exactly sextile the North Node of Neptune in Leo has led to crisis but also healing through sharing fun, joy, and creativity with others, thus rejuvenating the worn-out aspects of the Soul (suppression, distortion, 10th).

I found the following in JWG's "Medical Astrology" book, and it seems to resonate with your feelings:

(Q):  I'm a little confused because you also mentioned that melatonin acts to dissolve the boundaries separating the subjective egocentric consciousness from Soul consciousness. In essence, melatonin acts as a spiritualizing process. How does melatonin connect with depression and act as a spiritualizing agent at the same time?

(A):  When one consciously begins the journey to truly spiritualize, melatonin is increased within the brain/consciousness in order to dissolve the apparent boundary between the current ego and the Soul. As this occurs, the Soul then becomes increasingly aware, consciously, of the Source of All Things: actual inner 'cosmic' consciousness in varying degrees of realization - the Ultimate, the Absolute. As a result of this, when the consciousness is then 'snapped' back to 'normal' reality - life on earth with all that that means and implies - the contrast that one's consciousness is then presented with causes, for many, a transiting state of depression. This depression is caused by the inner knowledge that one must complete whatever the current life is about - the gravity of time and space, mortality, the baggage of the 'body,' the baggage of the totality of what the life is about.


Kelly, you said:  I think these feelings correlate to my skipped steps.  

I agree because your 12th house is ruled by Jupiter, your skipped step planet.  Interestingly, the South Node of Neptune is conjunct your Jupiter Aquarius 1st reflecting the original matriarchal roots of the current desires in all Souls to spiritualize consciousness.  The quickest way to accelerate your evolution (Jupiter in Aquarius), and express your true individuality on an instinctual level in accordance with what is natural (Natural Laws), is to focus upon the South Node in Scorpio 9th by "penetrating" into the nature of your beliefs - Are your beliefs rooted in Natural Law or man-made concoctions? - and osmose powerful knowledge based on Natural Laws.


Anything in the birth chart is properly understood within the context of the primary evolutionary/karmic axis, a major aspect being:


Pluto conjunct South Node

We must remember the three evolutionary/karmic possibilities with Pluto conjunct the South Node:

(1) the Soul is in a condition of totally re-living prior life dynamics in this life because of an absolute resistance, prior choices, to acting upon the evolutionary intentions and necessities prior to the current life,

(2) is a situation wherein the Soul has totally actualized those prior intentions in such a way as to develop unique abilities and capacities that are being brought forwards into the current life in order to benefit others because of those abilities and capacities,

(3) is a common condition in which elements of both the first two conditions exist.

With a planet conjunct the South Node there is a requirement to disseminate or share a resource in some way with others. The reason for such a requirement will be different in each case. Souls with this Pluto conjunct South Node signature, requirement, have some special capacity or resource to share with others that will have a metamorphic effect once shared, whatever it may be. They are blocked from their North Node until the second Saturn Return specifically because they have chosen to assist others in some way. It's a requirement. Metamorphosis that enacts evolution before the second Saturn Return occurs through fulfilling the requirement itself. Beyond that, there will of course be other areas in the individual's life that will be evolving and metamorphosing. Pluto will be making aspects to other planets for example. There will of course be a sign on the 8th house cusp, and the location of its planetary ruler, that will be needing to be evolved. So too if there are planets in the natal 8th house and/or planets in Scorpio itself. The desire nature of the natal Pluto by house and sign expresses itself as relatively pure without awareness of its polarity point because there have been polarity points in other lives that have all lead to this karmic requirement of the Soul. This is why whatever the resource or capacity is that the Soul is required to give, to share, has reached this state of purity before the current life. (Rad)


This brings us back to your 8th house Mars in Libra, your 8th house cusp ruled by Sun Scorpio 9th (ruled by Pluto), and Sun-Juno-Pluto (purpose-commitment-Soul) all in Scorpio.  What is the unique ability and capacity you are sharing with others?  It must be EA!  


I will continue with your questions tomorrow.


Thanks,

Linda

[Skywalker]

Hi Kelly,

Thank you for sharing all that you have about yourself.

What I am getting from what you wrote and the symbols in your chart is a fear of entrapment and powerlessness because of past life traumas and potentially also traumas in this life when you simply relax and allow yourself to be trusting and happy. With a very strong Scorpio signature there can be many subconscious fears of haviing the rug pulled from beneath your own two feet. The security needs of a Soul with Pluto on the South Node can be very deep because of intensely deep betrayals of trust and because of many repeated situations of powerlessness, injustice, abuse and so on. There can be fear and anxiety that doesn´t allow you to really relax and feel safe because of these traumatic experiences and the fear of repeating similar experiences.

With Pluto in the 9th House we can also determine that many of these experiences may have been connected to your own search for truth and understanding of the world around you in cosmological terms and have possibly been persecuted for your beliefs and that in this life you are attempting to close this cycle within your Soul journey and to understand once and for all what it, life, all means to you, in your own way. It seems that EA can be a good way for you to probe into the deeper meanings of life and existence and with the Sun conjunct Pluto and the South Node it seems that this will be a primary focus in this life but you will need proof and direct experience, Scorpio, of whatever you discover. Meditation and Yoga or Chi Kung can help strengthen the nervous system and allow you to go inside yourself and have direct experience of what you are searching for.

The isolation you feel from your surroundings and environment can stem from various reasons, such as a highly sensitive and defensive nature with all that Scorpio plus the Moon in the Fourth House and Neptune in the Twelfth House which adds huge emphasis on being a sensitive Soul that picks up vibrations from others and the environment. We are living in a patriarchal reality which is counter life itself and sensitive people pick this up and have to deal with it in a way that brings some peace.  With a Capricorn Ascendent, Mercury conjunct Saturn and the South Nodes of the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars all in Scorpio in the Ninth and primarily Tenth House, can also correlate with very harsh past life judgements of pretty intense proportions, that you bring energetically into the current life. Neptune in the Twelfth House in Capricorn, can indicate a need to dissolve and heal from all the past judgements, isolation and possibly even imprisonment. Remember that it is also self judgement and potentially guilt from past lives of judging others that also needs to be dissolved and healed.

The fear of endlessness to me sounds like a fear of loss of control. There may of been situations of intense powerlessness in previous lives for sustained periods of time, with no hope and therefore a fear of losing yourself into the "abyss" of emotional endless suffering. This may of happened in another life or lives in which you may of been imporisoned or totally lost within yourself or in the outer world and with no end in sight, no boundary to limit the loss of control, nothing to hold on to.   

Relative to physical energy"¦ I would look at Mars which is square Neptune in Capricorn in the Twelfth House which to me, according to what you said, indicates that the way you interface with your environment depletes your energy as you are basically at odds with the environmental vibe and people in general. You are not relaxed and can always be a little insecure and ready for some potential threat to your security. The constant interfacing with a reality that is hostile and barren or dry, void of love and nurturing seems to create a sense of depression when you interface with it and then simply feel like giving up. With Mars square Neptune things can seem worse than they are thou. Another thing that can cause you to feel depressed and out of place is the fact that you may feel uneasy and disconnected from highly populated and city like areas. Your heavy Ninth House and sensitive nature could feel less vulnerable in more natural environments where you can simply be yourself without any fear of judgements or any potential threat and learn to relax. Also with Mars and Venus in Libra you may spend more energy trying to please others than really focusing on your own needs.

With  the Moon in Taurus in the Fourth House and the North Node conjunct but in the -Third house on the PPP you also seem to be moving towards your own evolution simply by doing this thread and speaking about your experiences in order to find emotional peace and stability, Taurus. There is much emphasis on your inner emotional self being grounded and stable and safe. To find a sense of satisfaction simply by being yourself in the world, feeling and nurturing the emotional and physical bodies, learning to relate to yourself and feel good with yourself in your own skin is important.

About the love you feel or don´t feel for family members. Love is FREE so take care of yourself, your inner emotional being, as shown by the Taurus PPP, North Node and Moon and the rest will flow. Reflect on the relationship to yourself which then will condition the way you relate to others. It´s ok to simply be who we are, we can heal and we can improve our relationships with others yet we will not be able to get along in total peace and harmony with all people, it´s simply the way things are and that is o.k.

With Mercury conjunct Saturn in the Tenth House and a Capricorn Ascendent, you may also have a depressive mental attitude which is self defeating and hard on yourself. Add Mars square Neptune in Capricorn and you have a loss of energy, loss of motivation and might tend to make situations worse than they actually are whenever things don´t go as desired. The Sun in Scorpio with Pluto will correlate with a Soul that in the current life will go thru many deep inner psychological deaths and rebirths as you evolve. Letting go of guilt is paramount and with Mercury/Saturn you may also need to define exactly what is yours and what is social conditioning or un-natural guilt and simply allow yourself to be free from what is not yours and to do the best with whatever natural guilt is actually yours. Remember we all share natural guilt as it is a way for us to know what is inherently right and wrong and we have all made mistakes in our Soul journeys. Self forgiveness is so important for everyone and with Chiron/Neptune in Pisces at the moment we are all learning these lessons in our own ways and lives.

Again I think the key would be to lighten up the emotional body, feel good with yourself,  nurture yourself, talk about what you feel and open up to people you can trust which will allow for emotional release, even by crying if necessary.

Venus is in the Ninth House in that beautiful grand trine to Jupiter and Chiron so there can be a key as to how to open up emotionally. Beauty, grace, art, learning, relating to partners and friends, speaking to like minded people, meditation, being in nature, Astrology and simply being yourself and having fun can all open you up to the positive side of life which also desire. That Ninth House stellium can also be very joyful and love life, love to learn, grow, expand in various ways and have a strong will to live life to the fullest.

I hope this can help answer some of your questions.

All the best

[Kelly]

Hi, Linda,

Thanks a lot for your replying, Mars in Libra 8th describes the most intense conflict in my relationships! The Leo full moon squares my natal Moon/Nodes, sextile my natal Venus in 9th Libra, trine my natal Uranus in 11th Sagittarius, it brought an emotional peak, i literally took one day to cry, to release all the pain and fear, and try to analysis my relationship patterns objectively: It's so hard for me to bear conflict/quarrel in any relationship, i'm always the one to compromise, make peace, because i just want everything to be fine, that cause passive emotional control because i don't allow others to be angry. I get extremely sad and hurt when others get mad at me, especially in intimate relationship, i am living in fear of being abandoned, also fear of death of my lover, i'd be left all alone... And i canunderstand other people's emotion/motivation, why they are mad, so i can't blame them, and feel if i don't do something, make sacrifices, there would be no chance to make everything fine again. I feel trapped in childhood emotional patterns, i am happy with my husband, but when he gets impatient/angry (even not at me), i take it very personal, absorbed all negative energy, over react, then i see my parents in him, and i know childhood experiences are relive pattern from past life, i need to take responsibility, the powerless feeling triggerzs hatred towards myself of being weak, too sensitive, and develops anger towards myself (that's one of reasons that i have very violent horror dream, Mars Libra 8th squares Neptune Capricorn 12th: attract projected anger and dark energy in dream realm).

I am reading pluto book again, and find this is exactly how i feel during this Leo Full Moon: "Emotions can be compulsively expressed when pluto aspects the moon. The person may emotionally and intellectually resolve to operate in a different manner, yet, much to their own horror, find themselves manifesting an old compulsive pattern in emotional behavior. This situation promotes self-rage, anger and hatred on a cyclic basis because the individual feels powerless to change the pattern even when the desire and intent is to do so. In the worst scenarios, this dynmic can promote thoughts of suicide, or a subconscious death wish as the individual seeks to escape the pain that characterizes his or her emotional life."

Evolution by way of the North Node of Mars Gemini 5th (conj Chiron and NN Uranus, mental wound/trauma) exactly inconjunct South Node of Mars 10th and exactly sextile the North Node of Neptune in Leo has led to crisis but also healing through sharing fun, joy, and creativity with others, thus rejuvenating the worn-out aspects of the Soul (suppression, distortion, 10th).

I always want to learn writing skills, so i can create something out of my dream recording, something like writing short horror stories..."South Node of Mars 10th sextile the North Node of Neptune in Leo", Leo/5th house correlates to find the power within, take control of life back, this reminds me that in many of my horror dreams about being in danger, murdered, tortured, chased (i think these dreams reflect past life trauma patterns if it's not exactly how it happened)... very often i was consciously aware that i was dreaming, then tried to change how the dream develop, tried to fight back, tried to find a way out, i think my soul is in healing process during dream/sleep as well, and it's even more powerful than awake life.

When one consciously begins the journey to truly spiritualize, melatonin is increased within the brain/consciousness in order to dissolve the apparent boundary between the current ego and the Soul. As this occurs, the Soul then becomes increasingly aware, consciously, of the Source of All Things: actual inner 'cosmic' consciousness in varying degrees of realization - the Ultimate, the Absolute. As a result of this, when the consciousness is then 'snapped' back to 'normal' reality - life on earth with all that that means and implies - the contrast that one's consciousness is then presented with causes, for many, a transiting state of depression. This depression is caused by the inner knowledge that one must complete whatever the current life is about - the gravity of time and space, mortality, the baggage of the 'body,' the baggage of the totality of what the life is about.

I completely resonate with this, i have repeating dreams seeing mutiple sun/moon/planet above the sea, i can breath calmly under deep sea, i was overwhelmed by the beautiful scene, and i feel belong to the dreams that i surrounded by water and mountains. Waking up to normal reality is like being take away from the magic world, i can only be present at very low level.

This brings us back to your 8th house Mars in Libra, your 8th house cusp ruled by Sun Scorpio 9th (ruled by Pluto), and Sun-Juno-Pluto (purpose-commitment-Soul) all in Scorpio.  What is the unique ability and capacity you are sharing with others?  It must be EA! 

Definitely EA! Because all of these go back to 9th house Scorpio, is it right choice for me to retreat from society, learn EA, natural laws, spiritual knowledge first, then when i am ready, i can share them with others, or during my studying, share them with others in a distance?

[Linda]

Hello Kelly,


MERCURY RETROGRADE AQUARIUS 2015 ~ ☿ Rx


5 Jan - 1 Aquarius 18 - Mercury Enters Rx Zone
21 Jan - 17 Aquarius 05 Rx - Mercury Stationary Retrograde
11 Feb - 1 Aquarius 18 - Mercury Stationary Direct
3 Mar - 17 Aquarius 05 - Mercury Leaves Rx Zone


Now that Mercury is Direct, would you like to report on any intense revelations, sudden awakenings, breaking from the past, final answers or evolutionary lessons that are pouring in?


Thanks,

Linda

[Kelly]

Hi Skywalker,

Thanks so much for your replying, i resonate with every word you said deeply, i have been reading it several times, it helps me so much.

There can be fear and anxiety that doesn´t allow you to really relax and feel safe because of these traumatic experiences and the fear of repeating similar experiences.

That's exactly how i feel, i developed compulsive praying habit, almost a ritual, wish to stop these repeating experiences since i was a child. Before 25, my life was in a condition of totally re-living prior life dynamics. Seems everytime i feel good about myself, feel happy, forget about pain, there would be serious consequence, i'd be punished, i "figured" to suffer first, to be prepared for worst may help me to avoid the actual suffering. All of these mental process exhaust my energy. Talk to like minded people really helps me to release these pressure, to know that i'm not crazy, and laugh at our OCD, learn to take it easy.

Remember that it is also self judgement and potentially guilt from past lives of judging others that also needs to be dissolved and healed.

I have been really judgemental on others and surrounded by very judgemental friends/family as well, realising that everyone has its own past, i'm not in any position to judge anyone, trying to understand the deep reason of other's behavior, and be more tolerant, the guilt within myself is dissolving slowly. Especially after i keep trying to explain to my parents/friends what i learn from EA, they become very tolerant and support the way i live my life. That's definitely a direct experiences i need to find solution of these judgements i am afraid of.

The fear of endlessness to me sounds like a fear of loss of control. There may of been situations of intense powerlessness in previous lives for sustained periods of time, with no hope and therefore a fear of losing yourself into the "abyss" of emotional endless suffering. This may of happened in another life or lives in which you may of been imporisoned or totally lost within yourself or in the outer world and with no end in sight, no boundary to limit the loss of control, nothing to hold on to.

Thanks so much for point this out, by reading it, make it so clear, it already helps me a lot. When i saw my grandfather and aunt suffered from cancer and died very painfully, it triggered my deep fear of dying slowly, i feel i have been in this situation in past lives, being imprisoned,tortured, totally lost will to live, desperately just wait for death coming. I always think if i'm captured (i don't know why i feel i'd be captured by bad people) i need a suicide pill, make sure i don't suffer at all... Also i have moon in taurus conjunct NN, jupiter in aquarius 1st house (rules 12th house) squares Nodes, i tried to survive too, this live in dreams, i keep developing new method to survive, to save myself from past live experiences, as a way to break free/heal past trauma.

Relative to physical energy"¦ I would look at Mars which is square Neptune in Capricorn in the Twelfth House which to me, according to what you said, indicates that the way you interface with your environment depletes your energy as you are basically at odds with the environmental vibe and people in general. You are not relaxed and can always be a little insecure and ready for some potential threat to your security. The constant interfacing with a reality that is hostile and barren or dry, void of love and nurturing seems to create a sense of depression when you interface with it and then simply feel like giving up. With Mars square Neptune things can seem worse than they are thou. Another thing that can cause you to feel depressed and out of place is the fact that you may feel uneasy and disconnected from highly populated and city like areas. Your heavy Ninth House and sensitive nature could feel less vulnerable in more natural environments where you can simply be yourself without any fear of judgements or any potential threat and learn to relax. Also with Mars and Venus in Libra you may spend more energy trying to please others than really focusing on your own needs.

That's so true, i am always ready to suffer, to picture how bad things is gonna be, this makes me tired before i even start to do something. When i'm in crowd or situation i'm not comfortable, i tend to shut down my feeling, wish someone else would come to my body react for me. I feel comfortable and relax just walk in park, by water, or just sit at home enjoy some sunshine.

Thanks so much for your help again!

[CindyRenee]

I'm not certain if 'just anyone' can post on these threads. But, I did want to point out that Kelly's Lucifer placement is at 9 degrees Leo in the 7th house (I don't see it on the chart posted)- square nodes, et al & opposite jupiter. I won't offer much more since I don't know if it's appropriate. I do want to share, though, Kelly, that Lucifer will step it up itself as you find yourself coming out of your suffering....creates a boomerang, whiplash effect - know that when you are feeling positive that's how you're intended to be, meant to be, you deserve to be and it's your true natural state - and that Lucifer will do it's worst to instill the negative state again...the 'good' news is Lucifer's effect shows you are learning how to defeat it, that's why it tries harder.
There is a thread on Lucifer, JWG has the lecture on Lucifer & then there is the 'old' message board archives.
As they say 'keep your chin up!' 

[Linda]

Hi Cindy,


Kelly's Lucifer/Bearer of Light @ 9 deg Leo in the 7th house


Great to hear from you!

You and anyone can post to the volunteer threads ... as often as you wish.

Thanks so much for your insights regarding Asteroid Lucifer in Kelly's chart. 

I didn't include it in the Solar Fire charts as I wasn't sure how to. 


Thanks,

Linda

[Linda]

Kelly's Chart

Asteroid Lucifer/Bearer of Light @ 9 deg Leo